I Woke Up in Las Vegas

We pulled into Dave and Tammy's home in the middle of the night.  I called for Koda, their Rottwheiler, as soon as I walked through the door.  For just a second, he didn't recognize my voice and didn't move a muscle and wasn't close enough to smell me.  This dog is fed raw meat and has had me pinned before.  In that second I wondered to myself if he were going to tackle me on the ceramic tiles in the front entry.  Then, recognition.  He loved on me like I was his long lost sweetheart.  I've only been gone one week.  My chickens came through the front door with their arms full from unloading their things from the car. He was so happy and wiggly to see them again. Dogs say "Hi" with a full body workout.  All 130 lbs of him can knock you down and when he steps on your feet, you feel it! He had to get a good smell of everyone.  Jeff was exhausted.  He had driven the entire way (500 miles) by himself. (Yes, I did listen to that song on the way down...Oh I would walk five hundred miles and I would walk 500 more.  Just to be the man who walked  a thousand miles to fall down at your door  :)

Jeff feels very present for me.  He is the first one with a hug (or to help me fight computers) to try to take the stress off my shoulders.  He has been so patient with me.  Yesterday, after Alex's doctors appt, we picked up dinner and the girls (Sarah brought a friend).  I thought to check on my friend via quick text.  Deb replied that her dog, Phoebe, (I think she was a Pug) had to be put down.  Jeff drove me over to hug her before we went home.  All animal lovers across the land understand that animals are a part of our lives and know there is a communication and understanding that we share with them.  So?  Your baby is mute, you still can understand the needs and feel the affection.  You care for them as you would a child for up to 15 years. My friends, Luwanna and Lori, both lost their dogs on the same day just a few weeks back.  They know what I am saying is true. To lose one is like losing your human teenager.  You appreciate each thing that was theirs and fun characteristics and personalities. My heart is with her.  I too am grieving.  Maybe God put us in each others lives to help each other through...  My Grandma calls it " Ministering Angels."

My Fuller family was up for coffee this morning.  We haven't seen each other since I left that last morning. We began to talk and then the tears began to flow.

I am making a promise to myself that I am going to focus on the life in his years.  But, to walk into his home today.....

Dan tells me  " You got this.  Life moves forward.  This world is only a waypoint...a short glitch in the precession of life."  That's a good one Dan.  That's why it's here in my blog.  It's todays meditation.  :) As I told him....here we go!

Packing up

Working on gathering all the pictures and burning my DVD. Starting another load of laundry so we can leave tonight.  I think once I am back in Vegas, it is going to hit me hard.  I am so deep and emotional anyway that I am not sure what to do with all this.  Melissa Etheridge plays on crooning "This is not Goodbye."

The Lock

Betty asked the neighbor to come and cut the lock off the wrought iron gate leading down the side of the house. She told him we would need to open the gates on Saturday for the reception.  He asked her where the keys were and she gave them to him all the while stating they didn't work.  The neighbor slid the key into the keyhole and smooth as butter, click!  The lock opened.

It just seemed as if something kept us from opening the lock that day so Steve would see his home for the last time as they wheeled his stretcher out the door.

Planning a Memorial

It's hard.  There are so many details you have to look after.  You need to decide if you want a service and where will that be held?  How much will they charge you for it? Do you want a minister? Or, will your family take care of it?  Do you want a program?  What are the cost associated with that? Music? Thank you Betty for having paid in advance for his cremation.  If not, you'd have questions such as, burial or cremation?  Coffin?  Wood or Aluminum? Burial vaults and Headstones.  Do you want a hearse and limos?  Professional services (such as embalming and someone to guide the vistors to their chairs and stand off to the side witnessing the event).  It's gonna cost you.  Every decision you make has a cost associated with it.  Obituary is pay by the inch.   Just everything! It feels like vultures picking meat of bones. 

It's important to gather the pictures and scan them in.  Make time and spend it creating the DVD.  Please let people take pictures of you even if you don't like it.  Because when it all gets reduced down, you end up with about a hundred pictures that is the sum of your life.  You don't want a bunch of crappy ones.  Smile! Enjoy the moment.  Not just posed cheesy ones but pictures cooking dinner and living your daily lives.  Then, when it's your turn to pass on the person that is doing it for you has a variety to choose from.  So many people want to talk at Steves.  He has seven people that are on the program.  Who will want to talk at mine?

He is still with me...

New development:  My stereo on my computer just turned up the volume by itself.  What is it playing you may ask?

She talks to Angels....Black crows.

The Miracle Continues

I wonder if God is talking to me.  Today I found a link to Amazon's Kindle Direct Publishing.  I ask myself should I publish this blog?

Then, Dan sends me a couple of portions of the recordings he took.  It really sounds like someone is there and said Cindy.  We need a do over.

Soul Food

I had asked Steve if he would come and see me.  He said he would if he could.  I believe, with all of my heart, I know there is another side to this world.  Today is Saturday and my friends Kathy, Jay, Deb and Dan came to make me some dinner. They all arrived at my home their arms heavy with grocery bags.  They all got busy cooking,  fixing, cutting and generally taking over my kitchen insisting I do nothing.  Dan cooked us burgers on the grill, we had salads and fresh fruit of strawberries and watermelon. Deb made banana pudding that was exquisite :) My sister, Debbie came to be with me and let me cry when needed.  My mom came to hug me (which was unexpected).  My son came to love me and he hugged me tight.  Laughter through tears is one of my favorite emotions.

Josh was so fun!  He got to ride on the four wheelers with Alex and Kyle.  He was the happiest camper.

Everyone was kinda scattered about and Jeff and I were with Dan in the kitchen.  I was telling Dan how I asked this of Steve and said the words "I just need to have some sign" and what sounded like the timer on my stove went off three times.   God as my witness!

Dan and I had thought we would take some pictures and make some recordings to see we could hear anymore. It didn't turn out like I thought it would. Most of the night was loud, music played, I drank my sisters signature drink and I hugged alot. It did calm down later but Deb had enough movement and it was time for her to lay in her own bed. I hope we get to do it again soon.  I am really interested in knowing what Dan heard (if anything).

Friday

6:40 am my daughter was told I had come home in the night.  She ran in my room waking me up and folded into my arms.  I kissed her and held her for a few moments.  She then started asking me about how to put videos on discs because she had an assignment to turn in.  My mommy guilt for being gone so long kicked in and I asked her if she wanted me to show her.  I got up and headed towards my office. Jeff brought me a cup of coffee fixed just the way I like it and I started the disk.  My cell phone began to ring and my blood went cold.

The name on the caller ID?  Steve Veatch
Cindy?  Betty inquired and my heart began to hurt.  "He's gone" she said.  "Our Steve is gone." I was trying to hold myself and I bent over at the feeling in my stomach and I felt like the air had been sucked out of my lungs.  "I tried to call your Grandma but she didn't answer.  I am going to call her back now.  NO!  Don't call her Betty (I pleaded as I got on my clothes).  I'll go wake her up.   Please don't tell her on the phone."  I kissed my husband and walked out the door.

I went to Grandmas neighbor and got her key.  I let myself into our old back door and walked through the washroom.  As I entered the doorway, Grandma said "thank you for calling and put down the phone"  I could see by her face it was the Hospice.  She knew.  Her baby was dead.


My grandmother aged that day.  Parents everywhere understand you should not have to bury your child. 
I spent the morning with her making calls and arrangements and writing his obituary.

Steven Carl Veatch Obituary

LAS VEGAS NEVADA--Steven Carl Veatch, 48, Las Vegas Nevada, formerly of Logan, passed away at dawn on Friday May 20, 2011 in Las Vegas of complications due to cancer.  He was born on November 17, 1962 in Pocotello, Idaho to Frank and Patricia Veatch.  Steve was raised in Logan attending Logan schools, graduating from Logan High and Hollywood School of Cosmetology.  He had some good, close friends in the Logan area, Eric, Mike, Doug, Don, Troi, Judd, Jared and Suebear.  He worked at the old old Smiths Food King at the lunch counter (how old is THAT memory) and enjoyed serving his “regular” coffee drinkers. He thought they were a hoot.  When he worked at Whispers Floral, his creativity in his flower arrangements was always inspiring and he really put his heart in it to give joy and delight to the recipients.  He performed in the Pickleville Playhouse at Bear Lake for two summers with his sister, Ann and at the Festival of the American West performances at the Spectrum.

He left the area and moved to Las Vegas where he continued to live, laugh, and love for the next 25 years living with his best friend, Betty Clark.  He worked in the Golden Nugget casino until his illnesses forced his retirement.  He was a surrogate father figure to Betty’s sons, Rashard(Teangela), Mikie, and Eskin.  He went on to be “Mr. Mom” to seven beautiful and wonderful children from the time they were newborn babies, Sa,lina, Allysa, Dynelle, Dominque, Marquise, Zion, and Aliyah.  One of his great joys was cooking and creating new dishes.  We often told him he could be a professional chef but, he said that would ruin the joy of cooking.  He always went the extra mile and was a steady source of support to all who knew him.  He loved to laugh and spent many hours, days (months & years) fixing up the home that he and Betty shared.  He was a beautiful soul.  How do you condense someone’s life into these small sentences?  How do you give enough honor? Today our hearts are breaking.  We love him so.

He enjoyed a special relationship with his Niece, Cindy.  Over the years, they spent countless hours together listening to music, talking, drinking cocktails and “Monster” cooking. They laughed together and cried together.  It was a special connection that cannot be replaced or replicated.  

He is survived by his mother, Patricia Veatch.  His brothers, Craig Nielsen, Bob (Gay)Nielsen, Tab (Carolyn) Nielsen, and Frank (Kay)Veatch and his sister, Nancy Ann Nielsen.  Betty Clark, her sons, Rashard Miller, Mikie (Jocolyn) Woods and Eskin Edward and their babies, Cindy (Jeff)Maughan, friends Eric Peterson & Larry. His “babies” (dogs) Natasha and Maxine. He was loved by numerous Aunts Uncles cousins nieces and nephews.   He was preceded in death by his dad, Frank, Sr. and his beloved friend, Paul.  A graveside service to bury his ashes will be performed June 17 2011 when his family can gather to honor his life.  God rest his soul.

The Road Home

As we traveled home that evening, the rain poured down on us and the light gave way to the darkness.  Grandma and I talked part of the way.  We discussed everyone writing letters to him and having a party on the patio at Betty's house.  We wanted to work on that so Steve could enjoy the party they always throw for your funeral.  Then, we both became lost in our own thoughts as the desert passed by.  She had brought a book on CD we listened to but I found my mind wandering.  At 1:30 am as we came through Sardine canyon that opens into our home, Cache Valley, I suggested we call the hospice to see how Steves evening was.  The nurse stated flatly "He hasn't spoken to me my entire shift and he didn't take his antibiotic meds orally."  I asked what his vital signs were and she said they only took them once a day in the morning.  Grandma was troubled and I asked if she could get her doctors appt moved up.  I thought we should get back there asap.  I could leave Sunday morning.  She said she would call again in the morning and see how he did through the night.  She said she was almost sorry she had called.  I took her bags into the house and went home to surprise my husband. 

I had told him I wasn't coming home because Steve was so sick.  Then, when grandma said she wanted to go home, I called him and told him I was calling him while I was "taking Grandma home"  he didn't know which home I was talking about.  I snuck in, leaving all my stuff in the car.   What was there would keep until tomorrow.  Jeff was sleeping on the couch, and my cat was so excited to see me "meow, meow, meow, meow meow, meow, meow" following me all over the house. I walked through the living room and into my bedroom to find a gown my cat hot on my trail.  All the coffees had me needing the restroom quick.  I hoped my flushing didn't wake Jeff.  It didn't.   I grabbed his hand as I have done so often in the 21 years, he took a double take when understanding crossed his face.  "What are you doing here?" he asked a smile crossing his face.  "I'm just coming to say Hi" I said as I pulled him up and walked into our room and climbed into my massive canopy log bed.  We snuggled in our spoon, we've always fit perfectly together, and it felt good to close my eyes.  The two Starbucks and a truck stop cappuccino continued to keep me awake so I talked to him and told him of the weight on my shoulders. 

Finally, I drifted off to sleep.

Thursday May 19th 7 am

Pulling up my big girl panties.  Loading up my stuff and heading over to Steves.  My nerves are a little shaken, but, I am glad a got a little rest.  God bless us today.

May 19 2011 9 am

God Bless today.  As I turned the corner onto Lindon Avenue, Steve and Betty's home came into view.  Betty was standing outside in her jammies and as I scanned her face I saw the tears and the pain come into focus.  I held up my hands in question and she had one hand covering her mouth and the other held out in the air.  I jumped out of the car and ran in the house.  I threw my jacket and keys towards the couch and rounded the corner making a B line to his room.  As I rounded the corner Steve was walking determidly towards the door facing me.  He had wrapped in this thin arms his sheets, pads and two pillows.  I asked "where are you going?"  "I am going to the washer." he was out of breath and seemed like a fall risk too I began leaning him towards the couch arm by the door. Wait here and let me get your cane.  He said okay and thrust the soiled laundry in my arms and told me "take these."  I told him to wait and I ran the dirty laundry in and Betty opened a garbage bag to put them in.  I grabbed a clorox cleanup sheet and began wiping my hands and arms as I briskly walked back through the dining room.  I found him trying to climb the stair by himself and I asked "I help you up this stair?"  but really I was grabbing his hands to the elbow to pull him up.  He was agitated.  My heart was pounding and my mind was racing.  He was determined to get into that kitchen and I wasn't going to argue with him.  His clothes were wet but I thought to get him calmed down I would walk him over and sit him in his chair and handed him a cigarette.  He put it in his mouth and I held the yellow bic to light it.  I set the lighter on the lacy tablecloth and asked him if he wanted coffee as if it were any other day.  He said he did and I made myself busy fixing him his last cup in his clear glass Starbucks mug.  He was shaking but that determined look was still on his face as if to say "I can hold myself up.  I am a Man."  as he took it from from me and I worried he was going to spill it on him.  "It's hot" I remind him.  I told him he was shaky because his sugar was low and that I thought he needed to have a protein shake. I lied, because I knew better and it had nothing to do with sugar. I think God will forgive me that lie because I didn't want to alarm him. I asked him what flavor of ice cream he wanted and he wanted Chocolate.  I poured the remainder of the strawberries we had and began to put a whole banana into the blender.  Grandma had returned to the kitchen and was sitting in the chair across from Steve.  She was watching me and reminded me he only liked half a banana so I popped half into my mouth.  I added blueberries, black berries, raspberries with chocolate ice cream.  I blended them together and poured a tall glass for Steve.  I told him he would feel better soon.  He set his cigarette in the ashtray.  I told him to enjoy it because Jenifer was coming to give him a shower.  Showers wore him out and I could see he was already exhausted and laboring for breath.  He did seem to calm as he drank his shake.

I had heard the doorbell while fixing the shake. Grandma had gone to answer it and I heard Jenifer's voice.  She had showed up with her supervisor who was there to evaluate her performance for her yearly review.  Grandma and Betty had been talking to them and I left Steve smoking to join them.  Jen introduced us and she went to Steves side. 

She bantered back and forth him and told him she would help him to the shower to get him cleaned up.  Betty had gathered up the clean shorts and shirt for him, a clean towel, washcloth and Depends and waited as Jen helped him though small walkway between the dryer and freezer that led to the bathroom.  He used whatever was available to hold himself as he went.  They successfully made it through the doorway and sat him on his shower chair.  They swung the door halfway closed and began his shower.

While Steve was occupied, the four women gathered and began to disucuss at length the challenges we each saw, heads bobbing up and down in agreement.  We asked if they could bring us a four footed cane to assist him.  It was obvious he was weakening.  She agreed and began taking notes.  As the conversation continued and the list grew longer, the gravity of the situation washed over us like a tital wave.  It became more and more apparent that we felt he needed professionals.  The supervisor began dialing her phone leaving messages for the case manager and the nurse. She told us they would return the call and while we waited, she returned to her observations of Jen.  Betty excused herself for a quick shower to prepare herself for the day. 

I heard them opening the door leading to the bathroom. Again they were stopped in the space between the dryer and the furance.  I walked towards them to offer what assistance I could.  Steve was saying "I need to sit down on the garbage"  The nurse inquired if it would hold him and I pulled it out for him and assured her it would.  It was a nice stainless steel one.  We sat him there and told him it was fine for him to catch his breath.  So he rested there for just a couple of minutes, I holding him up his hands in mine.  "Can you make it the last eight feet Steve?"  He nodded his head and we got on each side of him to assist him to his chair.  Every smoker knows that smoking relaxes you. Using that knowledge, I handed him another cigarette and he put it into his mouth and I lit his cigarette to calm him.  I noticed the paper before the tobacco on his cigarette had gone out before without actually lighting (you smokers would know what I was talking about). But, I didn't want to relight it because I didn't want him to burn himself.  He didn't notice and "smoked" his cigarette in gesture and I just let him believe.  The nurses joined us and we began to talk about his care.  We agreed he should go to the incare facility. He complained he was in pain and we gave him a dose of morphine to ease the edge.  We wondered when they would call back. The four women weighing the options. Finally, the phone rang and it was the facility.  We couldn't help to hear  the conversation and knew they were telling my Grandma that he didn't meet the criteria.  The supervisor held her hand out to receive the receiver in the "give that to me" gesture.  She insisted that Steve was going and worked out all the details.  They would be here in an hour.  As the nurses were leaving  Betty came in the other room fresh from her shower.  She and Grandma was walked them to the door thanking them for their visit.  Their conversation ended and they shut and bolted the security door. 

We small talked with and around him.  He injected himself into the conversation, but, his words and thoughts were disjointed as he rocked back and forth his body curling into the fetal position.  I rubbed his back slowly willing my energy through my hand and encouraged him to sit up to get a bigger breath into his lungs praying for lucidity.  The more interesting conversation was flashing in the womens eyes as took big breaths into our lungs looking at each other communicating at that deep level.  Wow.  Where are we?   His body was with us, but, clearly the infection was taking over his mind.  As were talking quietly, the doorbell rang again.  Betty went to the security door and I heard a male voice.  Betty started turning the bolt locks and reached out the door and took the piece of paper being offered to her.  God Bless you she said as she relocked the door and the man walked away past the window the way that he came. She handed me the pamphlet and I read "You Can Know You Are Going to Heaven"  God is talking clearly again.

Hello! hello? a deep male voice was heard and I walked towards the dog to see a well dressed black man and recognized the Palms Mortuary was standing at the door and Steves dogs, Natasha and Maxine, came quickly to smell him as I let him in the house.  I introduced my Grandmother a I left them to discuss their business and went to talk to Steve. 

Natasha and Maxine came and nuzzled his hand and layed their heads in his lap and listened to their Master say their names and rub them behind their ears.  Again, I heard the door shut as Tim the mortician left.  She had a pamphlet he had left her placed on the coffee table.  She returned to the kitchen to her spot next to her son.



May 19 2011 noon

Grandma always sits with her hand over her mouth.  I took this picture of her and she said "oh, that's funny, my mother used to always do that and I always try to remind myself not to."  She can't help the concern and worry that is on her mind.  This is as real as it gets.  There is nothing more intense than death.  You have to walk someone to their grave in honor.  It takes complete and utter focus. 

We try to keep the conversation light and normal feeling.  But, deep down inside, we knew this was not normal.  We could feel the shift.  The wind was blowing and we could hear the wind chimes.  He started to push himself up on his cane. He headed through the living room and insisted on walking outside to take in the view.  I walked outside with him and we sat on the chairs on the front porch.  His blue eyes looking around and looked like he was soaking up the details. 

In this picture, he looks like he waiting for something as he watches the street.

 He began looking for a specific set of wind chimes.  I asked him if they were on the other side of the car. 
"Wind chimes are my favorite" I told him.  "You've told me that like 100 times" he said.  "Well, now I have told you 101" I replied.  "We have that in common" he answered  He got up leaning heavily on his cane and used the truck as support.

I can hear them, he said, ding ding ding. Ding, ding, ding.  The ones that were hanging, he said, were not the ones he could hear.  I suggested maybe they were outside his window in the back of the house.  He said they weren't and went back to sit down. I stayed outside with him saying nothing.  His color was getting more ashen and the spot on his shirt was getting larger where the bag again was leaking.  "Steve, let's go change your shirt before the transport get's here."  He allowed me to help him back into the house.  He stopped in the kitchen at his chair and I continued back to his room.  Steve had stripped his bed but Betty and I cleaned his bed and put fresh white linens and pads on the bed.  Two of his pillows were soiled and we simply threw them away while adding them to our mental shopping list.  Opening his drawer, I found a clean shirt and turned to leave the room to go to Steve and he was right behind me and it gave me a start.  He was trying to get to his bed (and he wasn't using his cane) and he couldn't go any further.  Usually he walked around the bed and slept on the left side.  His strength gave out and he fell onto the bottom of the bed on the right side.  I told him he was fine where he was and to just rest before he scooted around to end up on top of the pads.  The phone was ringing.   My grandmother walked the phone back to Steve's room and she placed it on speaker. His nurse, Nicki, was going to walk us through changing the urosomy bag.  I put on my gloves on and I lifted his shirt to look underneath.  I finished pulling the bag completely off and was trying to follow directions.  She made up her mind and just told us to cover him with a towel and she was going to come over.  I held his head in my lap and stroked his head while we waited.

He told me his dad was there with a beer list.  "Order up then Steve" I answered.

Nicki helped us with a new bag and I was watching carefully how to do it so I could do it by myself next time.  She helped get him cleaned and changed again before the transport arrived.  The infection was oozing from his body in newly opened wounds. I was glad that he was going in.  They needed to give him IV antibiotics or shots to get that under control or he wouldn't make it.   She checked his vitals 104/61 (not so bad) and his pulse was a little high but not real far out of whack.  She was glad he was going in because he needed it.  He was exhausted after being changed for the third time today.  His pain was high and it was time again to give him more morphine. The doorbell rang.

The transport was here.  They came through the house and looked at the different accesses, they realized the easiest way was to go right out his door and walk the sidewalk next to the house and across the front lawn to the van.  Betty went to get the keys. When she returned she began working the lock.  It was obvious she was having issues with it.  So, one of the men walked over and said "let me try."  He continued to shake the lock and twist the key so hard he thought the key might break.  "We'll have to take him through the house," he said.  I walked over and said I would mess it while they brought the stretcher in.  I couldn't get the lock to budge and gave up.  They brought in the yellow stretcher and took it back to his room.  They lifted him with a sheet and buckled him securely onto the gurney.  They wheeled him out through the kitchen.  They loaded him like they had for hundreds of other patients.  We all pulled into traffic.  Betty and I followed the white van closely to the hospice.  As they pulled him out of the back of the transport, I asked him "How are ya doing there, Steve?"  "I'm alright" he said.  "Watch your elbows Mr. Veatch." said the deep voice of the black man.  Steve crossed his arms across his chest like they would in your coffin if you lived in the pioneer days.  As I walked through the front doors, I heard the receptionist telling the transport his room was D1 and we continued walking straight to it.  The nurse stopped us at the station and said to sit in their waiting area while they got him settled.

Grandma hadn't eaten all day so I thought it was a good time to feed her.  They had a little cafe down the hall that we could grab a sandwich and a drink. I am a bad girl and I bought me a Dr. Pepper.  For the most part, I have quit drinking pop.  However, today I needed more caffeine to keep pace with today.  When the nurse said he was settled, we went back to his room.  The nurse practitioner was assessing him when we returned to the room.  She had started a Delontin (I know I am spelling that wrong but it's the one that is a synthetic morphine) drip complete with a "joy buzzer" for self administered pain medication.  She explained to us before she left.   "I need to use the restroom" he insisted.  Agitated and taking the blankets off him and trying to pull himself up on the side rails.  The nurses had placed a bright blue mat (like we used to have in kindergarten for our nap times or a tumbling) on the floor next to his bed.  Apparently they've been through this before that the patient tries to get out of their beds without assistance in some way trying to confirm they can still do it themselves.  We called the nurses back into his room and they walked right on top of the mat as they came to walk him to the restroom and assist him with his needs.  When they walked out, we walked in to speak to him but he was already asleep.  We sat in chairs reading magazines and I pulled out my laptop to work.  Grandma finally said, "Okay, let's go home.  He is deeply sleeping and he is so exhausted, we should go.  Let him stay here and get his symptoms under control and we'll come back." I felt trepidation but I am here for her every need. In God we trust.  So, I got up to kiss him and I returned to his bed side and again held his head to my chest and kissed him and kissed him and kissed him on his head. " I love you so much Stevie."  His mother walked up behind me and I moved for her to reach him.  "I love you, Son."

"I love you too" he responded with much effort.  I was walking and looking through the window and he was leaning up to get a good look at us. I held up my hand and he held up his to say "see ya later."

That is my last memory of Steve.

Four directions

So, the way I heard it was that the four directions represented East: Spiritual Health. South: Physical Health. West: Emotional Health and North: Mental Health.  To be a balanced person, you needed to balance all those parts of yourself.  I smoke to them all.  I pray to them all.  I talk to them all.  So why does this shit keep happening to me? 

I am so tired.  So, dead dog tired.  Death taxes all of these.  Death makes you question your spiritual health.  What do I believe and why do I believe it?  Just to set the record straight, I believe in the after life.  I believe that there are legions of angels out there.  I believe in Heaven and I believe in Hell.  I believe that we will be judged on how we treated people.  I believe that we will relive our lives (in the blink of an eye) except instead of feeling what we felt, we felt how we made other people feel.  We get to feel what we put out into the world.  I need to focus on the positive.  I thought that if we treated other people how we wanted to be treated that it will work out.  God would watch over us.

Death taxes our physical health.  I am running 500 miles back and forth to spend precious time with Steve.  To help him prepare.  To spend minutes bringing laughter and sunshine if I can.  To take care of his physical needs.  I make him food.  I rub cream on his hives.  I bring his medication  or a drink of water.  I lie in the bed beside him and just talk to him.  Is this good enough?  What more can I do?

Death taxes our emotional health.  It forces us to places "we don't talk about at parties."  Maybe I am crazy. There are minutes I feel crazy.  Absolutely certifiable.

Death taxes our Mental health.  I am not sure tonight if I know what mental health is.

I feel wobbly and out of sorts.  I feel broken.  I am tired.  Dead dog tired.

I'm not Ready

I don't know what to think about how the day went today.  Steve woke me up at 3:30 am.  He was wet from his chest down.  He had had been sleeping for 9 hours and his urosomy bag had leaked everywhere and I could smell his diaper.  He was literally dripping everywhere he walked.  He came and sat on the couch [mental note: wipe the couch with bleach wipe to kill the virus before anyone touches it and mop the floors].  I talked to him briefly and grabbed the mop and washed with bleach water the path I was on as I walked back to his room and got him dry clothing.  I walked back into the living room.  "Steve, lift your arms, we need to change you."  He complied and I changed his shirt.  I handed him the disposable wipes and a new Depends and a clean pair of shorts.  "Go get yourself cleaned up" I told him.  He did as directed and I continued spraying, bleaching, wiping and mopping.  What I didn't realize is that he had gone back to his bedroom instead of the bathroom.   When he walked out in clean clothes, I saw where he came from.  I sat him in his chair and went back to mop his room.  When I got there I saw the bed needed to be changed again.  So, I put on my gloves and got the clean sheet and under pad and set about to do the work quickly before he came in.  I didn't want him embarrassed to see me cleaning up after him.  He is a man [after all] and who among us would want someone else cleaning up after us?  How would it make us feel to know that we had to have someone change our beds?  He won't let me help him personally.  That's too much.  But, we have to keep cleaning because he has the virus and it is imperative to kill the virus.  We have to be aware of everything he has touched.  We have to be vigilant to protect ourselves and our families.  I finished without him catching me.  This whole process had taken an hour.  It was now 4:30 am and I told him I thought we should try to lay down again.  Just rest until the others woke up for coffee and breakfast.  Today he has a doctors appointment.  His CNA, Jennifer and his RN Nicki would be here early and they always wore him out.  He took a ml of Morphine and laid down. 

I laid down on the couch and it took me another hour of reading a magazine to finally set it aside and close my eyes.  He woke me again at 6:30.  He was sitting in his chair and messing with his cigarette box.  I looked over and he was folding a card around it and then smoothing it back out.  Getting the remaining three cigarettes out and laying them side by side on the table.  He walked over to the drawer and pulled out five candle numbers.  He laid them on the table.  I asked what he was doing and he proceeded to tell me a story.  It was obvious by the story and the questions he was asking that he was confused.  I wondered to myself if he was over-medicated.  But, as I looked at his med diary, I could see it had been 7 1/2 hrs since he had anything. That couldn't have been it.  I wonder if the end is drawing near and if the cancer has hit his brain.  I fixed him some instant coffee in his Starbucks mug and he lit a cigarette and  inhaled it deeply and set it in his favorite cobalt blue glass ashtray Eric had given him.  He continued to mess this the cigarettes he had lined up on the table.  He picked up an unlit cigarette and put it in his mouth.  He reached for his bright yellow lighter and I said "don't light that."  He asked me why? I reminded him that he already had one in the tray.  He said he was looking for it and set the unlit one down again. 

Once he finished that smoke, I had noticed again, he was wet and his bag was coming off.  I told him he would have to go and change again.  This time he went to the bathroom and Grandma and Betty woke up.  "Good Morning" they said to me with smiles on their faces.  Not a very good morning and I hated to tell them but knew I had to.  Their smiles faded and concern crossed their weathered faces.  We are going to the doctor today.  Maybe we'll get some answers. He had been in the bathroom for about 30 minutes trying to get himself cleaned up.  He came out in his diaper, something he never would have done if he had his wits about him.  He said he needed to sit.  So, he sat down and smoked another cigarette.  Just then, Jennifer showed up to shower him.  Every time she showers him, it takes everything out of him.  He is just exhausted just changing his own clothes.  She is patient though and she worked hard to clean him up.  She oils his legs to keep the skin supple but the swelling is starting to take it's toll.  The skin is so stretched it is beginning to weep and bleed.  She puts on clean clothes and he walks out with his salt and pepper hair all wet.  We are talking about his care when his RN shows up.  She sits down at the table and writes a page of things to check on while he finishes a cigarette.  We realize that he is not wearing a bag and we tell her we better put that on now before he ends up wet and we have to start over again.  She agrees and we help him back to his bed.  Once there, she realizes just how infected he is.  Sigh....

We arrived at the clinic 15 minutes  prior to his appointment at 10:45.  Steve seemed to know the drill.  He walked straight up and signed him self in and seemed like his old self again.  Gone was the confusion and clarity had returned.  We wait.  We watched an hour of House they had playing on the big screen.  They had the lobby full of chairs lined in rows like we once did to watch movies in the Elementary school gym.  Finally, they called his name.  He has gained a few pounds.  We are happy that our nutritional efforts are working out.  The doctor prescribes an antibiotic and more pain meds, orders a blood test and wants to see him again in two weeks.  Again, it crosses my mind...will he make it two weeks?

We stop and take him to lunch at a little mom and pop place by the hospital and he eats about half his burger but not very much of anything else.  We box it up and take him home.  He needs his meds and that is a full day for someone in his condition.  He seems good though...just tired.  We let him nap until around five.  Betty tried to wake him up.  She reminded him we are returning tomorrow to Utah and tried to convince him to come and spend some time with us.  He didn't.  I had to get going to collect my things and get some work done.  I went in to kiss him on his head.  I told him I loved him and that I had to leave.  He said okay, love you and I walked out.  I was putting my things in the car when he came walking out the door.  His shoes were on the wrong feet and he walked over to my car to climb in.  It was locked and he was trying over and over.  I told him only I was leaving and walked him back into the house.  He told me that my jokes moved his heart to the right side.  I knew then, the confusion was back.  I told my Grandma to watch him and I would call in an hour.  When I called, he is very confused still.  He told them he didn't think the baked potatoes were very good.  They ate Kentucky Fried Chicken for dinner.  I don't know if I should go home tomorrow. 

Grandma said the hospice is having a social worker come by in the morning to evaluate him to stay short term in their hospital to receive IV antibiotics.  They think that is what is causing the confusion.  I wonder to myself "can he rally?"  I am tired but I am trying to make a decision.  Should I go back over there?  Or should I get some sleep?  I know I shouldn't be driving.  My Grandma thinks he'll be okay tonight, but, I will hate myself if I miss it.  I'm thinking...I'm thinking.  I call Grandma again. She assures me it will be okay.  I need my brain with me tomorrow.  I need to talk to the social worker and I may need to drive home.

After making her promise me when she get's up in a few hours to use the restroom that she'll check on him and call me if he is still confused, I decide  I am going to stay here with my Fuller family and get a good nights rest.  I have the greatest support system.

Dave and Tammy have had my back.  They put me up and feed me coffee in the morning.  Their son, John, was so thoughtful, last night he waited to shower for me to get the first one. They gave me my own room and a four poster bed.  My friends back home (Deb, Kathy, Dan and Jay) are making me dinner on Saturday night.  How great is that?  I am deep in the west.  My emotions are running deep.  The see my need and they reach out by text, email and phone calls.  God brought us back together and I think I know why.  This is who we can be ourselves with.  These feelings we feel are about as raw as it gets.  We help each other through the trials.  They feel like a second family.  I am so grateful that God is good and we have earned each other.

I ask myself the big questions: Is there a Heaven?  I think there is.  I believe Steve deserves to go there.  He has always been so good to me.  Without question, steadily supporting me all my life.  I love his humor.  I love his smile.  I love the way he rolls his eyes at me.  I love talking about fixing up our homes.  He is my Favorite.  My friends tell me it is okay to cry.  They tell me they are here for me.  I have not a doubt of it.  I haven't really broken since I found out.  A tear or two has slid down my cheeks when I needed to leave tonight.  What if this is the last time I kiss him on his head?  What if I never hear his voice again?  What will I do?  I am completely unprepared for this reality.  Tears are rolling down my cheeks now.  The things I think....you are beginning to see what I am saying about wondering if I am certifiable. I have seen the Secret.  I don't want to put it out there.  I want him to go quietly.  I don't want him to struggle.  I need to rise up.  I need to rise up and meet this.  I want be there holding his hand.  I think God is gonna be so proud of him.  He was there for me.  He raised Betty's babies until he couldn't anymore when he found he had cancer.  He has been there for Betty steady and true.  He always knew who he was and he never apologized and he never changed.  I love that about him.  In his hours of need I will be there steadily supporting him in return.  I hope God gives me the summer with him.  I hope my fears quiet and we have time to say all the things that need to be said.  I hope I have no regrets.  Energy never dies, it only changes form.

If you cannot be the Poet, be the poem. 




A beautiful Facebook status from my friend Kay Clawson.  I stole it for here because I really like it :)

Juniors Birthday

It's Juniors birthday.  We bought a birthday cake and a blue star Mylar balloon to celebrate.  The CNA assigned to Steve is so spunky! A Latino firecracker Jennifer is!  She came and showered him and cleaned him up nice with clean clothes so he smelled good.  She was SO SWEET!   She once brought four boxes of donated items.  She brought him mattress pads and under pads.  She brought protein drinks and canned food, rubber gloves and rubber soles slippers. Wipes and two clean but used towel sets (she said she noticed his were in need of replacement).  She said someone donated them to her and she was donating them to Steve.  God does provide in the hour of need.

He is on 1 ml of morphine every hour to keep a steady does in his system at all times.  Grandma, Betty and I were going to go to Fredricks of Hollywood to buy me a bra for the wedding (it's a girl thing), but, his bestest friend Eric came over bringing Steve a bouquet of sun flowers and snapdragons, lillys and greens. It was so beautiful.

Thirty years they've been friends. We wanted to stay and visit the afternoon away.  We put them in water and put the arrangements right by Steves chair. We laughed in the kitchen decorated in hot peppers with a red checkered table cloth, joking and talking about past times. Steve piped into the conversation and pulled up old memories.


There is a marked delay in his thinking but most of the time he has the right answer.  That is a relief.  However, I did notice him doing some hand gestures like he was communicating with another spirit that I couldn't see.  I don't know if he is trippin on Morphine or if he is beginning to walk across.  I'll have to keep my eye on that.

I gave him that picture I posted earlier on this blog.  It was such a good day.  Lori brought him some flowers she had picked herself.  There is nothing like the smell of wild roses.  Betty's other son, Rashard and his wife, Teangela and their friend , C, came over.  We sang Happy Birthday to Junior.  They took their cake and ice cream and went to watch the game that was playing in the other room.

Thank you Lori, for capturing this picture for me :)

I was getting ready for Zumba with Lori when we realized that the pharmacy had not delivered his morphine and an additional extended relase pain killer and it was six fifteen.  We called the pharmacy and the nurse.  They said we missed the six o'clock courier and  the next delivery was between ten and midnight.  We had enough until then. Glad we checked it out.  God is good.  A couple of set backs was there was a misunderstanding at the funeral home.  Perhaps tomorrow they will come to understand the wishes of the living and the dying. They are supposed to call us back.  I promised to take Grandma walking tomorrow through the mall. 

I went to Zumba a shook my ass off.  Strained a muscle on my right side.  I have to say though.  I love the dance part of it.  It feels good to move my body.  I try to walk 1.5 miles every day with Grandma and with Junior to protect us (they hold no illusions to our safety).  She is teaching me by example.  I don't want my Eighty year old Grandma to out exercise me :) We walk and talk about the people in our lives and the lessons we have learned.  I know I need more exercise for the jiggly parts I don't want to talk about.  So I am trying to treat my body better.  Death makes you realize all the mean things you have done to your body and how a body fails if not properly cared for. So I am eating my fruits and vegetables and making sure I have protein in my diet.  Learning a whole education about nutrition.  I learned the four food groups but not how the body uses it's energy and when and with what you should eat it with.  Seems like that would be a good subject for our kids to learn throughout their school years. I kinda wish I knew some of this sooner (pulled my head out of denial :) and found some answers.  Oh, and the doc said my lumps are smaller so recheck in 6 months.  Booyah!

 I liked spending time with Lori.  She is a sweet thoughtful girl and is so much fun.  I like the Latin Rhythms and club songs :) Although I have to be honest when the cute little instructor was out dancing me and she was seven months pregnant it intimidated me just a little and I tried not to look in the mirror at my chicken wings and aforementioned jiggly parts.  I parked myself in front of the door to the other room that didn't have mirror so I wouldn't have to look.  I really liked her class.  Depending on how things progress, I may buy a pass. 

A mirror is what the theme is around Steves house.  When you die, you ask yourself the big questions.  How have you treated other people?  What have you earned to be your fate?  Will you walk again? Have you learned compassion?  Have you learned mercy and humility?  All those big emotional words.  But, we all go here.  We all have to ask ourselves.  We all have to face this for ourselves.  Death always puts me in the West, the land of emotions.  I contemplate and wonder.  Can you imagine being Steve?  About to meet your maker?  Would you be proud of yourself?

I called my man on the way home.  I feel like I live here now.  I miss his smile.  He is always cheery and makes me laugh.  He is my rock right now.  He lets me unload my day onto his broad shoulders and comforts me when I need it. I love him.  My kids are good.  Trying hard to catch up all the missing assignments before the end of the year like other kids their age :)    I think I will bring them all back with me to visit once more when school gets out.  I am looking forward to school getting out.  Because the kids have homework, you are set to either nag or clash with your kids.  I wish they would do it in school and leave after school/work time to be families. Right now, we kind of choose either and there is a set back in the home life.  I look forward to my summer vacation without it LOL  I bet alot of moms would agree with me!

I know I suck at paragraphs and grammar.  These are just one thought after another after another.  I am just driven to write this down.  A bag of chips just fell on the ground.  Did they fall?  Or did someone/thing throw them?  I laugh at myself.  But, I do wonder this stuff.  My husband had those experiences at home yesterday.  So interesting how the veil thins...


Lori then showed me pictures of the last month when I came she had taken of her brother John and I. There is clearly a spirit standing in the picture with us.  Check it out.  I am telling ya!  Proof right there.  Now I am writing dear readers, to you.  I just noticed that the song playing on the radio is "You can't Always Get What You Want [You Get What you need]  by the Rolling Stones.  Man, somedays I feel like my Generations music is a lost art. As for Steve, we are getting what we need.  God is good. We are blessed. See how God talks to me?

Cluckin and cookin'

It was nice to sit around the kitchen "cluckin."   Betty rolled and set my Grandmothers hair for Steves doctors appointment tomorrow.  I was going to take pictures, but, thought my Grandmother would feel funny with pictures in her rollers.  Now I wish I would have.  It would have been Fun and I wish I had that actual image and not just the one in my mind. 

Our days are filled with basic needs. Clean body & clothes, clean sheets, Good food to eat, and dignity.

Funny, you spend your entire life trying to be thin and avoiding food.  In the end of your days, it becomes all about the food.

The Thunderbeings came today.  It poured rain.  POURED.  That doesn't happen in Vegas very often.  Is it a sign?

It Was a Good Day

When I arrived at Steve's around noon, Grandma was deboning a chicken and feeding it to Steve with a small plate of cottage cheese.  Steve looked around the room and shuffled in his seat, but, his food sat untouched for a half hour.  When she finished her plate, she left the room to pray.  I turned on the music and Marvin Gaye was crooning "Let's Get it On." and thought about changing it it, But, all I could find was 50 cent, Little Wayne, Snoop Dogg etc left over from Betty's sons.  I thought it best that Grandma at least recognized the music so I left it.  I thought of my husband at home.  He has been so awesome handling everything for me while I have had to be away. I began to make the sauce for his "Monster Lasagna." by browning the sausage and simmering the tomatoes. Betty and Junior both helped me.  I leaned in close to Betty and said talking behind my hand towards her ear "if these are his last meals, he's gonna eat GOOD when we are around ;)   We talked about nothing and chit chatted our way through the afternoon.  He, giving me tips and watching my every move.  I teased that it's hard to cook for the Master Chef :)  But, we didn't talk about the elephant in the room.  Tomorrow, tomorrow we will talk to the funeral home about arrangements.  Tomorrow I will find out more things I don't want to know.  How do you lay yourself down to die?  How do you comfort them in their time of need?  Our beloved?  You learn Beloved at the time of Hospice.  We all learn what people mean to us when we know they are on their way out the door.  We learn to pray for safe passage. We pray for them not to be scared.   We pray for them to feel no pain.  We pray for legions of angels to surround us and hold us up so that we don't fall.  God is good Betty says all day.  We thank God for the precious time we have left. I feel very close to spirit.  Over the last few days I have noticed how many signs of God I see around Vegas.

If you click on this image you can see it larger.  It said "God.  I'm in the details"

OK, picture this, we are driving Betty to the grocery store yesterday.  Talking about it (being close to spirit during Steves transition). The true "ins and outs." The exacting toll....  And BAM!  On the sign in a yard of a house we were passing, there was a relator type sign and it simply stated "You will not be left comfortless" Like God just answered.

I LOVE when God talks that clearly.  As we continued to drive there were crosses and statues and an Electirc blue Jesus Saves cross.

Then, I notice the song "Rise" by Eddie Vedder.  The lyrices said (I think) "Gonna rise up and find my direction magnetically."  Saying to me "you'll be drawn to it."  I again say my gratitude when God talks this loud.  See?  I am all over the place.  I am back to yesterday when I thought I was getting on here to blog about today.  My mind races as fast as the time is passing.  I asked Steve today if he was going to haunt me.  He said he'll try.  He is being so brave.  I am trying to be brave too.  When I first heard from Grandma that this was it, I called Steven in the hospital  to talk to him.  We cried together and then I told him I was going to be brave and pull up my big girl panties and he told me he was going to be brave an pull up his big boy underpants.  I really am trying. We handle things "matter of factly."  We have no illusions.  Grandma asked if we could watch The Bucket List while we ate our dinner.  She hasn't seen it yet and who doesn't love Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson?  That was hours away though.  The sauce has to cook for like three hours.  Then you have to put the lasagna together and bake it for another 1 -1 1/2. His brother and sister in law came by to visit.  We prayed together.  Our own Sunday meeting right there in the living room.

The day Tab prayed

Grandma is very concerned about staying active.  Today is Sunday and we thought it would be nice to drive to Grandmas Temple and let her see it and we drug along Steve with us.  Just to get him out of the house for a minute other than doctors appointments.

He was visibly tired when we returned half an hour later.  We took Steve in and put the lasagna together and in the oven.  Then, Grandma, Junior and I went and walked 1.5 miles in laps at Lowes so she could keep up her stamina.  I love to walk around Lowes.  I was telling them that when Jeff and I were young, we couldn't afford to go on dates AND pay the babysitter to watch our babies.  So, whenever we got enough money to pay the babysitter, we would eat at home and then go to Home Depot and Lowes and walk around for hours and Dream.  That was our "Date night."   When we returned, dinner was done.  We prepared our plates and watched the Bucket List.  Steve ate every bite.