The Absent Minded Professor

So, I am having such a difficult time finding contracts to look at and bid on that I am thinking I may have to create my own opportunity.  What if I approached the Universities and offered myself up.  I am a sixteen year professional licensed in two different states and perhaps I can inspire some young kid to chose contracting as their life plan.  Maybe I can get the University to allow me to build something, perhaps a water tank or pedestrian/utility tunnel and at the same time pay me to consult with the teach staff of engineering and construction management as a traveling professor.   I will consult the entire semester.  Their students can then observe and learn from grubbing to punch list a project, on -campus, and in real time.  Entrepreneurship can be taught.

Our infrastructure is aged and decaying.  It was built decades ago and the neglect is wearing and showing from sea to shining sea.  In light of our current economic conditions, it would seem wise on the Obama administrations part, to put our citizens back to work with a comprehensive recalibration of our highway and freeway systems.  If we have to spend the money, then, we as citizens would like some nice roads and utilities.  It makes a difference in our lives.  Construction spurs the economy and creates jobs such as grocery stores, restaurants, laundry mats, building materials, rentals, accounting/payroll, petroleum, signs, etc.  There is a lot of us out here that need a boost.  We would prefer that we stop all foreign aid for five years and allow the world to turn without our contribution and divide that money equally between all fifty states and spend it directly on our infrastructure. Surely the worlds other countries can live without Americans for that long.  The fate of this Nation lies in the success of our educations.  The education is not in books.  Life is the education.

So Very Blessed

This week is Aaron and Tajas wedding.  As the thundershowers build in the sky every night, we all began to watch the skies and forecasts.  Sixty percent chance the thunderbeings will be in attendance :)  I actually like that idea.  Seems like good Karma to have the Native American equivalent of the Lovers in attendance at a wedding.  I hope they are best friends, lovers and partners.  What mother wouldn't want that for her child?  Every time one of the kids gets married, I reflect on my own. I wonder if I have given my son the tools he needs to be a great man?  I remember all the mistakes I have made and wonder how much therapy will take to reverse my affects?  I hope he is ready for everything that a marriage will bring.  So many people plan the wedding but not the marriage.

 I call my friend Jeremy to inquire about his tent.  Wouldn't want our guests getting wet. The wet spring and high snow pack have given way to flooding  throughout the state.  The park they were supposed to get married at flooded.  I guess someone lost their dog in the rapid run off and we wouldn't want that to be a child.  That would change us all forever.  There is also some concern about the bridge integrity.  So, officially (as of yesterday), we are searching for a new venue four days before the wedding.  I told Taja never fear,  Jeff and I planned our own wedding in six days.  It's gonna be alright :)

They went to her parents and immediately and it was decided their ceremony will be held in the back yard in Paradise.  Hopefully, the park down the street will be available for the Brunch.  Tomorrow they can speak with the lady that rents it for the city.  Cutting it close, but, I found a heads up penny yesterday.  The raised letters captured my eyes.   "In God We Trust" is what it said.

I couldn't do this without help from my family and friends. Everyone is willing to pitch in.  They offer whatever helping hands I need.  From food procurement to the actual cooking and serving.  Flower ideas and table topping.  How do you thank someone properly for selflessly jumping in and making things happen?  

Today is a Hallowed day...

Today is a sacred day. The cycle of birth and death.  My morning began when I woke from a dream by the phone ringing.  I answered it without checking the caller ID that all phones seem to have.  My father in laws voice told me that my husband had lost a woman who helped raise him into the man he is today, my beloved.   His dear sweet Grandmother had passed away. I am happy I went over there to tell her thank you and what a good job she did with him.  He has fond memories of her homemade candy and sleeping in the pear tree or "catching fish" in the canal behind her house. Of brotherly love of fighting downstairs in their room with the evidence still there. She meets with her man and her daughters and son that have already crossed over.  God Bless her soul.

I woke my kids to get up for the day.  My son was the only one who responded.  Alex and I went alone and he drove me (with his new learners permit) to the cemetery. Today, I lay Steve to rest. We held a graveside service. A hawk screeched and screeched and screeched, demanding my attention.  That is the sign of a visit from God, it is good medicine.  It reminds me to be open to Heavens winds of change.  I am grateful. The Pearly gates are wide open today! As the service began, a golden dragonfly landed on the corner of his picture. It sat there a long time.  Dragonfly is the essence of the winds of change, the messages of wisdom and enlightenment in a book I read. Another sign from above. I pour out my heart when it was my turn to speak, my tissues disintegrating into nothing.  His brother knelt before his grave and dedicated his grave to be holy ground.  After, a lone bagpiper played "Amazing Grace" in his full kilt as a nod to his ancestry sending chills up my spine was a fitting close.    I consecrated the grave with my tears as buried him with my own hands. 

I feel orphaned.  To see his friends of the past brought a smile to my face.  They promised to always be my fan club. 

Vistor at the Wedding

 My baby,  my first born son is getting married today.  I have so many hopes and dreams for him to enjoy.  This is my most favorite picture of us. I cry every time I see it.   I just want to know that they are happy and they have "Happily Ever After" in their future.  Will she love him as I have loved him? Do they understand the depth of the love that a mother has for her child?  Does she know to take good care of my baby?  Tears are streaming down my face as I write this.  Does she "hear" him when he mentions things in passing and file them in her memory's list of "things to do."  Does she think like me?  This is my beloved.  The answer from God to MY prayers.  My God Given Gift.  I believe she does.  Look at these pictures.  There is adoration on their faces.  The tears are of Relief and Gratitude...

So, I prayed that Steve would make it to the wedding.  We all know he didn't.  It was a beautiful sunny July morning.  My son, so handsome all dressed up.  We all worked hard on our part of the wedding festivities planning and executing what we hope will make it a memorable day.  Our dearest family and friends showed up for us, in tribute to our years together or the connection that we have.  It turned out so wonderfully.  Mataja and Mindy and their family did a bang up job on their yard.  My cute Grandma was there.  Look at us!


As the day began to unfold, I began with myself.  I got up, I got a cup of coffee.  I got myself ready first.  Because I knew that if I didn't take this opportunity, I would get busy and end up feeling rushed and evil.  As the twenty people that slept over began to wake, time began to slip in 15 minute increments.  Building into a frantic pace with pressure to get out the door and  "pull it off" because, after all, it is all about presentation :)   As me and two sons were walking to the car with the two crystal vases I borrowed from my mother, and the two I had made for the head table, I saw my new neighbor out in his yard.  I thought about saying Hello but knew I didn't have time for any conversation.  I was thinking that I would wave as I sat down in the car to be friendly.  I was putting something in the trunk when I heard the unmistakable sound of glass breaking against the concrete.  My mothers crystal flashed through my mind.  I slammed the truck and just lost it (I am embarrassed to say) lost it completely.  Alexander James Maughan!  Fuck!  Just Fuck!  Thinking he had dropped it.  I came around the car to see water and blue glass marbles and glass all over the ground.    He was looking at me with the deer caught in the headlights look holding one vase and one set of flowers by the neck of the vase that had broken.  The whole bottom had broken out.   "Fuck!  Get in the fucking car" I screamed.  I mentally noted they were the glass vases for the head table and thanked God for the luck.   Both boys were trying to get into the car quickly but the flowers and vases they was carrying  were too tall.  They didn't want to witness me lose control like that and was trying so hard. Everyone rushed to Alex's defense that the bottom had broken. Once we were backing out of the driveway, I thought "welcome to the neighborhood!"  That was a embarrassing public display!  We got going down the road and I reached up and moved the rear view mirror to see his face.  I could see his eyes were red and he was upset.  I apologized.  It was not his fault that the bottom broke out like that.  The neck was intact.  I reached into my center console and pulled out my prescription of Xanax.  I obviously needed it. Mental note to drink champagne when I got there to "kick" it in. As I drive, I notice that out of all the signs we put up the night before, I only see two?  I made a dozen.  'Text your brother and ask him how many signs he put up" I told Alex.  I get on the phone with my brother and tell him to pick up more balloons and poster board and to go behind and put up more signs.  Our original venue had been flooded out and we had to change 48 hours ago.  I knew we needed and extraordinary amount of signs to lead the people from one venue to the other.  He and his son were in their street clothes to do this.  But, they had left their nice clothes back at my house. 

There are so many details, the flowers, the decorations, the tables, the griddles and the fruit and FOOD.   It was quickly apparent that there wasn't enough hands to get it all done and some people didn't show that were supposed to.  So, my friends showed up early and they jumped in and it took an all hands on deck approach (under my sisters direction) to be prepared.  I couldn't have done it without them.  I was being told to "Go get on my dress.  Go get ready."  At twenty minutes to ten, we went to the ceremony.  My son comes out to meet us. His smile is so big.  He has this child like excitement and this sparkle in his eyes.  I am excited for him.  People are arriving and I kept looking around for the people I knew were helping on my end.  I told Aaron we were trying to get up more signs and that people weren't there that had said they would be. It became clear that we couldn't wait any longer.  The ceremony began without some "would be witnesses.  I was sad about that.  They missed it because they were helping my son.  I thanked them in a small prayer asking God to bless them for doing it for me (and missing the main event) so I could see this moment in my sons life.


After the short commitment and ring ceremony, we posed for pictures and people gravitated to the park for the Wedding Brunch.

 

 I don't think anything could have gone better.  There is nothing like good old fashioned hospitality.  It was great.  We spent the few hours just hanging out and bullshitting.  It was a good day.  Slowly, they started drifting off until we were almost alone.  We cleaned up the park and took down the decorations, and packed everything back into the trailer to go home.  We got one load finished when my phone rang and my oldest friend had arrived from the south.  I told her I would come right back.  We still had the camp trailer to pick up.  I asked Jeff if he would drop me off at the outdoor reception while he went back to my house dropped the trailer and picked up the kids.  He did.  It was nice visiting.  My brother pulls up with his window down,  you could hear the official speaking from the National Weather Service with an imminent warning. "Winds in excess of 45 miles per hour with nickle sized hail with dangerous ground to air lighting moving towards the south end of the valley.  Take shelter in a sturdy structure."  <sigh>  What could we do? Nothing.  The show must go on regardless.  As the winds of change blew in, the clouds were building.  Lighting flashed and you could count "one thousand one" before you heard the thunder that shook the ground.  I was talking with my husbands Grandmother when I looked over her shoulder to see the wind was going to knock over the pictures that were on easels being used to help decorate the yard.  "Excuse me" I said cutting off his uncles story as I jumped up to save the pictures.  My friend and fellow photographer, Luwana took this picture of one of the decorations as the micro burst hit.

 The skies opened up with a clap of thunder and it poured and it rained hard.  In Native beliefs, there is mother earth and grandfather sky.  He touches her with his lightning bolts only on the parts of her body where it needs to be.  They are Natures equivalent of the Lovers.  Fitting wouldn't you say?  People were scattering and I was grabbing the pictures.  One had fallen and hit the cake.  I went in side to wipe the frame down and leave them out of the weather.  When I finished, I went outside to look for Grandma.  There was sheets of rain and I walked outside to find her.  Grandma has cancer and she is old and fragile.  I wanted to make sure that she was under cover and I wanted to seat her in the house.  She had vanished.  I walked up and down the street, straining in vain to see inside cars to see if she made it into one and was leaving.  I didn't get to say goodbye.  It wasn't my house and Jeff had dropped me off so I didn't even have my car.  I had no umbrella.  The rain didn't matter as much as Grandma.  I asked my son, "have you seen her?"  No.  I had to assume she left.  As mentioned, she is old and doesn't own a cell phone.  I would simply have to wait and see.  Then I hear "Grandma is here" and I look over to see my grandma.  We talked under the awning.  I was already drenched and she was dressed for the weather.  We took some pictures together to mark this now unique occasion.   Afterwards, as I walked her to her car when she felt ready to go,  she grabbed my arm and said "Cindy, I really feel like Steve is here with us."  I considered "do I feel him?"  I couldn't really feel.  "I pray you are right, Grandma.  I really wanted him to be here."  She kissed me and she left.  What was left of the evening sun had come out about an hour into the reception.  We went on to see the kids off on to their honeymoon.  It was a good day with a happy ending.  The next day, I was unloading the pictures and I saw this:

There are two orbs.  One on Aarons forehead and one by Grandma. Her words "I think Steve is here, I can feel his spirit and he would have loved this" echoed in my mind.  I looked at the other pictures because I thought to myself "rain?"  These didn't show in any other of the thirteen successive pictures of this scene.  Hmmmm.  Makes you wonder.  "Is that Steve next to her?"  Who is with Aaron?  Is it the spirit of my father?  It was his birthday today....

The next day, I email this picture to my friend Eric in Las Vegas that was Steve's best friend.  We were texting back and forth.  Wow! Pretty clear. Wonder if?  all the while talking about how much I wanted him there.  Was this just wishful thinking?   Then we began talking about his graveside service in August.  His phone rang and it was and 800 number that he didn't know.  He answered it.  The voice said "This call is for Steven Veatch.   If you are Steven Veatch, press one..."

I felt an electricity run through my body knowing it was a brush with the supernatural.

I think it was an omen.

Steve came home today

My Fuller family brought Steves ashes to me today.  They had gone to Betty's and picked him up last night and drove him from Las Vegas.  I had no idea the emotions I would feel when I woke up this morning.  When you know a person for decades.  It is just intense.  I was going to put the memorial on here, but, had to ask for help transcribing it.  I haven't even read this blog.  I just can't. I am having a hard time articulating what it is that I am feeling.  It's like a am speechless.  I simply don't know what to say. 


 It's the "take your breath away" type of pain.  An ache from so deep inside my chest. The tears come like waves on the ocean.  If you have ever sat on the shore and  watched, there are generally waves, waves, waves, BIG one.  Waves, waves, waves, BIG one. 

When Steve was alive and I thought he had more time, I asked him to come and spend my birthday with me.  Then, he could stay for a couple weeks and go to Aaron and Taja's Wedding.  My birthday is Monday.  I just called my Grandmother and asked her if I could keep him here until my birthday.  She said I could keep him until I am ready to bring him in.  I just love her.  She sent me this birthday card that made me cry, telling me how much she loved me and how she wanted to keep close.  What am I going to do when it is her?  She is shook up because in the last month she has cared for a buried her son and then flew 48 hours on an Israel - Holy Land trip. She sounded better today than when I saw her last weekend.  I am grateful for her health. 

I Woke Up in Las Vegas

We pulled into Dave and Tammy's home in the middle of the night.  I called for Koda, their Rottwheiler, as soon as I walked through the door.  For just a second, he didn't recognize my voice and didn't move a muscle and wasn't close enough to smell me.  This dog is fed raw meat and has had me pinned before.  In that second I wondered to myself if he were going to tackle me on the ceramic tiles in the front entry.  Then, recognition.  He loved on me like I was his long lost sweetheart.  I've only been gone one week.  My chickens came through the front door with their arms full from unloading their things from the car. He was so happy and wiggly to see them again. Dogs say "Hi" with a full body workout.  All 130 lbs of him can knock you down and when he steps on your feet, you feel it! He had to get a good smell of everyone.  Jeff was exhausted.  He had driven the entire way (500 miles) by himself. (Yes, I did listen to that song on the way down...Oh I would walk five hundred miles and I would walk 500 more.  Just to be the man who walked  a thousand miles to fall down at your door  :)

Jeff feels very present for me.  He is the first one with a hug (or to help me fight computers) to try to take the stress off my shoulders.  He has been so patient with me.  Yesterday, after Alex's doctors appt, we picked up dinner and the girls (Sarah brought a friend).  I thought to check on my friend via quick text.  Deb replied that her dog, Phoebe, (I think she was a Pug) had to be put down.  Jeff drove me over to hug her before we went home.  All animal lovers across the land understand that animals are a part of our lives and know there is a communication and understanding that we share with them.  So?  Your baby is mute, you still can understand the needs and feel the affection.  You care for them as you would a child for up to 15 years. My friends, Luwanna and Lori, both lost their dogs on the same day just a few weeks back.  They know what I am saying is true. To lose one is like losing your human teenager.  You appreciate each thing that was theirs and fun characteristics and personalities. My heart is with her.  I too am grieving.  Maybe God put us in each others lives to help each other through...  My Grandma calls it " Ministering Angels."

My Fuller family was up for coffee this morning.  We haven't seen each other since I left that last morning. We began to talk and then the tears began to flow.

I am making a promise to myself that I am going to focus on the life in his years.  But, to walk into his home today.....

Dan tells me  " You got this.  Life moves forward.  This world is only a waypoint...a short glitch in the precession of life."  That's a good one Dan.  That's why it's here in my blog.  It's todays meditation.  :) As I told him....here we go!

Packing up

Working on gathering all the pictures and burning my DVD. Starting another load of laundry so we can leave tonight.  I think once I am back in Vegas, it is going to hit me hard.  I am so deep and emotional anyway that I am not sure what to do with all this.  Melissa Etheridge plays on crooning "This is not Goodbye."